i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
