I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
