mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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