An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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