you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
