i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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