Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
