You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
