Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
