your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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