Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
