I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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