so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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