apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I could fuck to npr.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
