You work out of a Hotel?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
