I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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