speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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