I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
