I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so let's talk penis.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
