I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
