K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
