my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
