He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
