your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize