I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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