Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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