all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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