I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's rum buckets o'clock
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
