I cannot find my penis.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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