If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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