I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
