I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
