i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
