can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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