Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize