there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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