I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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