Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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