i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
