I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
