My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
