she was so not down for the gang bang
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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