She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
