life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
