I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
