My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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