Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
