he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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