I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize