Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
