I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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