stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
