Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
