my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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