College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
