I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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