If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
